I got a question, “What is self esteem?”
What a question. There have been times I have had discussions with my friends. Eventually there would be a comment by one of them (never me) that “They do not have self esteem.” I have learned when to keep my mouth shut so I never asked what they meant by the comment, “They do not have self esteem or they have low self esteem.” The reason I kept my mouth shut was because I did not think they actually knew what that meant.
It seems to be one of those phrases that people like to say and that sounds good.
So what do I think self esteem is? For me it means accepting yourself. So what does accepting yourself mean?
Accepting yourself means you are in contact with yourself. Here is a simple example. I was taking a quiz with my daughter. One of the questions was, “Do you touch people?” I answered no. My daughter said that was not true. My answer to hear to her was to tap her and say, “No I don’t.”
Then we laughed because I realized what she said was true and my answer was false. But I really, truly did not know that. I did not argue with her nor resist the truth. I do touch people and I accepted that easily about myself.
To me that is an example of self esteem. Finding out about yourself and accepting what is true.
Now just because something is true does not mean you can not change it if you choose. However, I think if you want to pursue that path you will find your self esteem dwindling. Why? Because you are taking on a challenge you may or may not be able to accomplish.
Why not accept the fact that you will not be perfect? Why not consider the idea that you have your assets and that is where you can excel? Instead of changing what you are dissatisfied with why not review this? You can get some insight and see if you can tame these traits. Maybe make a slight adjustment. Maybe just recognize that you do have these traits that you are not enthralled with.
Instead of changing what you don’t like why not focus on what assets you have and develop them? For me that would be a way to increase your self esteem. Once you have an asset you can expand on it.
I like the expression, “Good, better, best. Make the good your better and make the better your best.”
To me self esteem means know what you have. Work it to your advantage. Appreciate it.
Self esteem also means you know you have a choice how to act and behave. You know you can always chose to be your personal best. You know you can always choose the high road. You also know that sometimes you will stumble. Know yourself and accept that and pick yourself up and get back on your path.
Review what you are displeased with. Give it some thought. Even if you feel it is taking over your life you can still focus on what you have and let that take over your life instead. Why not take the path of least resistance? Why not be a better you not a new revamped you?
You do not have to believe me. Think back to when you tried to correct and change what you considered a defect or flaw. How did that go? How did it make you feel? And how long did the correction last, if you actually got that far?
Now think about when you started from a point of strength with an asset that you worked on. The best example is to consider athletes. They improve their performance. They work on what they are strong at. Of course they attempt to get past their weaknesses but any coach will tell you that the effort goes in where they are strong. You put your effort where you will get the maximum results.
The second part to self esteem is to accept others. If you can not transform yourself why would you think you could transform someone else? See people for what they are. Imperfect just like you. That creates a connection. Look at people’s strengths instead of their weaknesses. Connect with people on a level of acceptance not judgement.
Self esteem also includes going with your instincts. This is the intuitive way you connect with yourself and others. If something does not feel right accept that.
Self esteem and confidence seem to be intertwined. They both come from the same place. Know yourself, accept yourself, appreciate yourself, and focus on your assets. Use the same definition when you are interacting with other people.
Make a connection with yourself and others. Respect what is true. Keep an open mind. Act responsibly. If you can live your life in this fashion you will experience self esteem. Also remember you are imperfect so at times you will not be in this state of grace. That is fine as long as you are aware of this and get back to striving for this.
This is what “self esteem” means to me. I would love to hear what you think.
Marcia, Your Confidence Coach
Do you get what you want out of life? I have been thinking about this a lot. How do you get what you want out of life? I have also been thinking about this a lot.
I have been observing people regarding this topic. My final conclusion and observation is that you will and can not get what you want out of life is you make improper decisions/choices.
Improper decisions/choices will affect you and there will be consequences. When you make an improper decision/choice it can certainly look like the consequences were out of your control. And they are once you make the wrong choice/decision.
Here is an example of what I am talking. Life is going good for you. You are enjoying yourself. Perhaps life was tough for a awhile so now you are relaxing and enjoying the peace, happiness and relaxation you are experiencing. A decision/choice is coming up. You are in the “happy things are good mode.” You do not pay the proper attention to the upcoming decision. Maybe you are careless. Maybe you are in an upbeat mood. Whatever the reason you slack off. You do not put the thought and detail into the upcoming decision/choice.
You decide or choose poorly. Boom. Things happen that you do not want to happen. All of a sudden your happy, gay mood is over. You are now dealing with new issues and problems. What happened?
You made a mistake. But you do not see it like that. How you see it is you got screwed. And maybe you did. But could you have prevented it if you had made a different decision/choice. Probably yes.
Here is another example. Your life is in the toilet. You are up against the wall. You have to do something. You make your decision/choice out of desperation or the only thing you think can do. Your choices are limited. But how did it come to this? How did you get to this point of desperation? Probably from past decisions/choices that you made.
Now you can see the harm and danger to you from improper decisions/choices.
So how do you stop the cycle? You protect yourself. You find out all the information. You ask questions. You forget about looking silly by asking questions. You ask away to protect yourself and get the information you need to make the best decisions/choices. You do not make a decision/choice if you are not comfortable with it.
You take your time in deciding/choosing. You do not procrastinate. You apply thought and care to your decision/choice.
Once you make your decision/choice there is another step involved. If the outcome does not turn out as you expected you have to take a step back. You need to step back without emotion and negative judgement of yourself.
Once you do this you review objectively. Subjective review is not the way to go. Objective review means you look at your decision/choice based on the facts and information you used.
Was the information misleading? Did you misinterpret the information? Did you use the information and make your decision/choice counting on an outcome that the information did not actually support? In other words were you hoping things would turn out the way you wanted them to?
This can happen and the way to avoid it is to be objective. Decide/choose based on only what you know to be true not what might happen. By doing this you will narrow down your choices.
Did the information confuse you to the point that it was not helpful? If this happens try to talk it over with someone. Try to clarify the information. Sort the facts out. Get to the bottom line. Eliminate extraneous information. Get clear on what will actually happen and what may happen. If you are still uncertain consider the worst consequences possible based on the possible decisions/choices you can make. Eliminate the decisions/choices with these dangerous consequences. Decide/choose the one with the least harmful consequences.
Take responsibility for your decisions/choices. Taking reponsibility means that “you made the decision/choice.” Taking repsonsibility does not mean blaming yourself or someone else for the outcome. Taking reponsibility means that you did what you did. The decision/choice was yours.
Once you do this you will notice that life becomes lighter and easier even if the outcome was not what you expected. Once you take reponsibilty you know that you are in control of your life. You know that when you made a decision/choice that turned out the way you expected it to you gain confidence. You also know that when the decision/choice did not turn out the way you expected you have the confidence to go from there.
As long as you acknowledge and recognize your input you can learn and change from it. You must own your decisions/choices. They must be yours and come from you.
Perhaps you made the best decision/choice and it still did not turn out how you wanted. Let it go. You can not predict the future. See if there were past decisions/choices that got you to this place. See how you can avoid, in the future, getting to a place where even the best decision/choice will not turn out the way you want.
Decision/choices lead to more decisions/choices. The best way to break the cycle of harmful decisions/ choices is to start now. Clean up what happened in the past and start fresh now.
Your clean up will be messy. That is to be expected. Once you get that tackled and you can start on your new mind set you will notice that there will be less and less clean up.
You will be teaching yourself how to decide/choose in a way that will protect you. You will be teaching yourself how to decide/choose in a way that will benefit you. You will be teaching yourself how to decide/choose in a way that will help you gain confidence. You will be teaching yourself how to decide/choose in a way that will help you take responsibility for your life. You will be teaching yourself how to decide/choose in a way that will get you what you want in life.
Marcia, Your Confidence Coach
Cut Your Losses
How many times did you embark on a project? How many times did you think you had a brilliant idea for this project? How many times did this brilliant idea not produce the results you expected? How many times did you continue on this course of action despite the fact it was not working?
This is a common experience. We all have had a project (work or personal) that we worked on. We all at one time or another had a brilliant idea about a project. We all saw this brilliant idea not producing brilliant results. This is the turning point. This is where the successful and unsuccessful part company.
The successful did not continue on this course of action. The successful did not continue on a course of action that was not working, no matter how brilliant they believed this course of action would be. The successful went back to the drawing board and came up with a new, different course of action. The successful cut their losses.
Let’s dissect what happens when you refuse to cut your losses. Let’s dissect what happens when you believe you are on a brilliant course of action. Let’s dissect what happens when this brilliant course of action is not brilliant.
When you devise a brilliant course of action you may become invested in it. This brilliant course of action becomes intertwined with you. You are no longer objective. You take a subjective view of this brilliant course of action. This is a no no. You can not become invested in something that is not working. You have to give it up if you want to succeed. You have to cut your losses. This does not mean that “you” failed. This only means “an idea” failed. There is a difference between you and an idea. An idea is not you. It is just an idea.
This is how the successful think. They are not invested in an idea that is not producing results. They do not feel like they are failures. They know the idea failed. They go back to the drawing board and come up with another idea. Successful people are objective. They are not subjective. Successful people are testers. Successful people use what works and discard what does not work. Successful people are open to finding out what works. Successful people know that not every idea will be a success. Successful people know that ideas may fail from time to time. Successful people know that if an idea fails they can come up with another idea. Successful people look at their ideas objectively.
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Marcia, Your Confidence Coach
Making a Choice
Knowledge is clearly important to acquire. It is especially important when you are making a decision. Making a decision about your work is crucial, complex and challenging.
To Work or Not to Work – You are a stay at home parent. You have been thinking about paid work. How do you decide what to do? Knowledge should be part of this decision. The other part to this decision is intuition. You will have to find the balance between the two for yourself.
What is intution? These definitions are from the dictionary.
|1.||direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension.|
|2.||a fact, truth, etc., perceived in this way.|
|3.||a keen and quick insight.|
Definition 1mentions “truth and fact.” Defintion 2 also mentions “truth and fact.” Defintion 3 mentions “keen and quick insight.” It clearly seems that intution is important. For myself I define intution as a physical feeling For me it is that odd feeling I get in my stomach.
Intution and knowledge work together in making a decision. Sometimes they may seem at odds. It will be your choice how you balance the two. I personally pay very close and careful attention to my intution.
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Marcia, Your Confidence Coach
Welcome to the Self Improvement Toolshop
Hello. My name is Marcia Siegel. I am a Your Confidence Coach. I love helping people be whatever they want to be.
Being a confident person is a sure fire way to become your personal best. Being a confident person is how you become a better you. I want you to enjoy your life. I want you to be a participant in your life. I want you to be able to truly experience your life. I want you to be able to tackle whatever comes your way.
I will be here to deliver words of wisdom, tips, ideas and information. Together we will make you “A Better You”.
Marcia, Your Confidence Coach
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